What is Love? ❤️🖤❤️🖤

Love.


This is such a hard post for me to share, but it’s weighting on my heart so much lately. So here I go…

What is Love & am I deserving of it? I’ve always struggled with it my whole life. I’ve always been told be confident you have something to offer someone. I have never really believed in myself. We are always told that we don’t need anyone to believe in us but we have ourself, but what if we do need someone to believe in us? Why is it such a flaw to need love & need someone to believe in us?

To me love is showing someone by your actions that you care & you are there for them. Not just because you say it or you buy them “things” all the time! I want to do things without the person having to ask me or going out of my way to do something for them, or write them a note! These small & big things are so appreciated! I can say that because I truly appreciate these things!

Most people will not understand how I feel or why I struggle & that’s ok. I’m thankful not everyone has gone through such a dark time as I have. 

When I turned 19 I got my second job & started to make “friends” that I though were there for me. I was told that I should try to lose weight & alter how I looked. Mind you I only weighted between 125 & 130 & was 5’5. Now that I look back at pictures I am sad that I was so skinny & unhealthy. So to fit in & listen to the bad advice of my “friends” I started skipping meals & if I ate to much I’d through it up. 

Thankful because my mom stepped in & pushed for me to eat & be healthy I got over it. I felt to be loved that I had to be skinny & unhealthy. To this day I still struggle with my weight. 

This month weights on me because it is suicide prevention month. By the age of twenty one I struggled with feeling loved & accepted. So I tried committing suicide multiple times. I tried over dosing on pills & someone found me & took me to the doctors. Needless to say God had a plan with my life because I’m still here. 

I still to this day have my struggles. It’s been put in my head hat I don’t deserve love or I’m not good enough to be loved or what do I do to deserve love. As girls we get told we are crazy for wanting to be loved or have someone be committed to us, but hats not true & maybe we give more love then some people deserve because we have a longing to be desired & loved. 

I’ve heard it all & that’s my flaw of letting those words pierce my heart & wound me. I allow myself to question my existence & my worth. I am worth something though & I have started to realize this. I am here to show people I have survived & that you can overcome something even if it’s one day at a time!

Do not be afraid to ask for support or admit you need help. Your life is important & I’m still learning just that! The journey & the trials & good times are all worth it in the end to discover that, so don’t give up! You are loved!

I am thankful for my parents & sister because they have encouraged me in every way that they can. I am thankful that I married a man that tries to go out of his way & show me love. 

It’s hard because I know people can be judgemental about my past or that I even struggle & that causes me anxiety so bad! I know that it’s worth it if I can just help or encourage one person. All lives matter! ❤️

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We are Family…

Now that I’m in my 30’s & wanting to start my own family the meaning of family has been coming up a lot.

 What is family? How does one figure this out. When I look back on my childhood & see what family was it makes more sense to me then how most people define it now a days. 

I found this quote that explains it so well & I want to share it with you guys. 

So to me family isn’t necessarily someone who is blood related or even someone who has the same last name as you. It’s someone who loves you in the good times & the bad times. Someone who helps you without expecting something in return. Someone who builds you up & defends you instead of gossiping about you or putting you down. 

This is what family is to me. So even if we are blood related or have the same last name we may not. E as much family as the person that is always there for me or is a part of my life. That’s just how it is & im thankful for the little bit of family that I have & all that they do for me & us! 

Advice to my younger self…

Do you ever wish you could go back in time and give yourself advice about your adult life? Well that’s how I have felt lately. 

So much has gone on that I have felt so lost and unprepared for life. I’ve felt like I don’t know who I am or what my purpose in life is. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety. I’ve been so ashamed about that. 

If I could go back I’d tell myself these thing. 

– It’s ok to struggle with mental health issues and to ask for help. 

– To finish school so that I felt like I could accomplish something that meant a lot to me. 

– To not rely on someone or something to make me happy. I should create it myself. 

– To realize that there will be good days and bad days, but the bad days don’t last forever. 

– That I should follow my passion no matter what. I should do what makes me happy!

Some days I wish that I could tell my younger self that, but I can’t. So I will tell my present self these things to prepare my future self to be happier! I’m learning it’s going to be ok and I can still pursue my dreams and it’s ok to ask for help. 

I hope that if anyone out there is dealing with any of this you’ll see that it will get better one day and bad or rough days don’t last forever! Xo – C

Happy happy happy

What is happiness? 

For so long I’ve struggled with this. I’ve always seen happiness as having the car I want or new clothes or a guy or a ring on my finger. It’s none of those though! 

It’s taken me time & I’m still learning that happiness isn’t an item you possess it has to do with your outlook on like & what you do with your time. 

I’ve struggled with depression & I’ve always looked to things or people to make me “happy”. When what really makes me happy is doing the things I love, helping others & trying to be the best I can be. Sometimes this includes reading a book, working out, listening to music or even for me taking a nap lol. 

There’s so much more to life then “things” or “stuff”. People come & go, cars & home get changed or upgraded & clothes get worn out & tossed.  

Live in the moment. Make your happiness! Don’t depend on someone else to make you happy. If we don’t create our own happiness we are just setting ourselves up for disappointment which in time can lead to depression. Let’s start today by making ourselves happy! ☺️ Xo – C

The Virtous Wife 

Who can find a virtous wife? For her worth is far above rubies. The heart of her husband safely trusts her; So he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil All the days of her life. She seeks wool and flax, And willingly works with her hands. She is like the merchant ships, She brings her food from afar. She also rises while it is yet night, And provides food for her household, And a portion for her maidservants. She considers a field and buys it; From her profits she plants a vineyard. She girds herself with strength, And strengthens her arms. She perceives that her merchandise is good, And her lamp does not go out by night. She stretches out her hands to the distaff, And her hand holds the spindle. She extends her hand to the poor, Yes, she reaches out her hands to the needy. She is not afraid of snow for her household, For all her household is clothed with scarlet. She makes tapestry for herself; Her clothing is fine linen and purple. Her husband is known in the gates, When he sits among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, And supplies sashes for the merchants. Strength and honor are her clothing; She shall rejoice in time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, And on her tongue is the law of kindness. She watches over the ways of her household, And does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up & call her blessed; Her husband also, an he praises her: “Many daughters have done well, But you excel them all.” Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, But a woman who fears the Lord, shall be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, And let her own works praise her in the gates.              Proverbs 31:10-31
I don’t know about you guys, but these are some powerful and beautiful words! I will be the first to admit that I am far from being a Proverbs 31 woman, but it is my desire & I will strive to be as kind, hard working, gracious & as loving as she is. She definitely is my role model!
In today’s society we have a lot of role models. The problem is that 99% of them are not the right role models to have. Most are driven by money & power not being kind & helping others. We have turned away from what we were founded on. That’s Jesus! If we turn back to Him then we can change our hearts & become just like the virtuous women! 
My prayer is that I will put myself aside & seek Jesus. That I will consciously make an effort to follow the example that she gave. That I will honor & respect my husband, be a hard worker & help those in need. May my heart be full of kindness & love. May I seek Him more & He be seen in me. 

I encourage all women to strive to be just like the Virtous women. None of us is perfect, but we should strive to be more & better. – xo C

What is maturity?

Wow so where do I begin?! We all expect adults to be mature right? That’s not always the case. I have witnessed this first hand over the last couple of months & today when we (my husband & I) encountered a situation with someone today.

 Anyway I started to get upset & was letting my anger feed off the lies & evil things that were being. Then I walked away so that I could clear my head & my heart. 

Some of you may not understand this, but for me it’s natural. I prayed. I asked God to help me let go of this person & the drama & the pain that they were causing. Well gues what? It is working! 

So through the day I focused on how to change my heart because being angry at this person wasn’t going to do anything but hurt me more. As I asked for guidance I found two wonderful things to help me. One was a verse which is Romans 12:17 which says, “Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable.”

So it doesn’t matter what they say or do. I need to walk away & not allow them to drag me down with them. I need to live my life with purpose. So I encourage you all to do the same. Let go of that person that is bringing you down & creating the drama. With that said I will leave you this quote to think on: 


Xoxo – C

Letting go

This year I’ve been learning so much. I’ve trusted people & tried to be nice to people & try to treat them as I want to be treated. Sometimes that’s not good enough though. 

Someone people are happy being mean & unhappy & not treating other people that well. You can’t change them & you can’t change the situations that you go through, but you can do something about yourself & what is effecting you. 

So recently like I said I learned this & learned it the hard way. I told someone something (about myself) but in confidence & asked them & trusted them to keep it to themselves. They betrayed my trust & they never once thought about how it would affect me. I can’t do anything about that now, but I can let go of that person & distance myself from that person. I don’t need that negativity in my life or that betrayal. 

In another situation someone was going through a hard time. They lost someone they cared about & I tried to be nice & understanding even though I didn’t care for this person or have a good relationship with them. Needless to say I got burnt & this person acted evil towards me & someone I care about with their words & actions. I need to let it go. 
So I’m learning to let go. Why harbor stress & negativity when if I let if go there’s so many blessing & good things I can spend my energy on instead of all this negativity & hurt?! So here’s to a new chapter & a new me starting now.