This is such a hard post for me to share, but it’s weighting on my heart so much lately. So here I go…
What is Love & am I deserving of it? I’ve always struggled with it my whole life. I’ve always been told be confident you have something to offer someone. I have never really believed in myself. We are always told that we don’t need anyone to believe in us but we have ourself, but what if we do need someone to believe in us? Why is it such a flaw to need love & need someone to believe in us?
To me love is showing someone by your actions that you care & you are there for them. Not just because you say it or you buy them “things” all the time! I want to do things without the person having to ask me or going out of my way to do something for them, or write them a note! These small & big things are so appreciated! I can say that because I truly appreciate these things!
Most people will not understand how I feel or why I struggle & that’s ok. I’m thankful not everyone has gone through such a dark time as I have.
When I turned 19 I got my second job & started to make “friends” that I though were there for me. I was told that I should try to lose weight & alter how I looked. Mind you I only weighted between 125 & 130 & was 5’5. Now that I look back at pictures I am sad that I was so skinny & unhealthy. So to fit in & listen to the bad advice of my “friends” I started skipping meals & if I ate to much I’d through it up.
Thankful because my mom stepped in & pushed for me to eat & be healthy I got over it. I felt to be loved that I had to be skinny & unhealthy. To this day I still struggle with my weight.
This month weights on me because it is suicide prevention month. By the age of twenty one I struggled with feeling loved & accepted. So I tried committing suicide multiple times. I tried over dosing on pills & someone found me & took me to the doctors. Needless to say God had a plan with my life because I’m still here.
I still to this day have my struggles. It’s been put in my head hat I don’t deserve love or I’m not good enough to be loved or what do I do to deserve love. As girls we get told we are crazy for wanting to be loved or have someone be committed to us, but hats not true & maybe we give more love then some people deserve because we have a longing to be desired & loved.
I’ve heard it all & that’s my flaw of letting those words pierce my heart & wound me. I allow myself to question my existence & my worth. I am worth something though & I have started to realize this. I am here to show people I have survived & that you can overcome something even if it’s one day at a time!
Do not be afraid to ask for support or admit you need help. Your life is important & I’m still learning just that! The journey & the trials & good times are all worth it in the end to discover that, so don’t give up! You are loved!
I am thankful for my parents & sister because they have encouraged me in every way that they can. I am thankful that I married a man that tries to go out of his way & show me love.
It’s hard because I know people can be judgemental about my past or that I even struggle & that causes me anxiety so bad! I know that it’s worth it if I can just help or encourage one person. All lives matter! ❤️